'/>' I Will NOT QUIT! I WON'T! |

Friday, January 13, 2017

I Will NOT QUIT! I WON'T!





I ALMOST QUIT!!!!

What a WEEK!

For those of you who don't know me,
I teach first grade at a low socioeconomic,
high gang neighborhood,
TITLE  1  ( low performing  ),
MULTI languages,
and VERY NEEDY FAMLIES!
I have been at this school for 16 years.
All in grade 1.

I LOVE my school.
I LOVE my job!

I just can't let go of some things.

I work with kids from the VERY best..
( I have had a student who got a 
FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP to HARVARD!)

She was amazing in grade 1...and amazing when I watched her graduate from high school.

AND...

I have taught kids who have been "lost" in the gang world
and I have never heard FROM or ABOUT them again.

One of my "lost souls" is now a paraprofessional at our school!
Proud teacher here...he turned it around & is MAKING IT!

So my problem isn't the CLASSROOM part.

I just can't quit trying.
I can't leave my emotions at the door.
And it is making me ILL.

I have a student who is destructive.
He is a time-bomb waiting to explode.
BAD family.
NO support.
Mean, angry child.
Parent refuses to get help for him.
Easier to "look away".

I can't.
I tried.

And now...he is trying to destroy my classroom,
my students, and me.

I let him get to me.
I let him question myself.

What am I doing wrong?
Why can't I help him?
Where did I mess up?

Maybe I don't "have it" anymore.....
Maybe it's time to find something else....

And so...

I LET HIM GET INTO MY HEAD!!!!

I wasn't sleeping...

I kept trying to CHANGE things
 ( classroom set up, behavior plans, groupings, schedules, etc..etc...etc..)
and my other "littles" were suffering.
I knew it.
But I kept "trying" to find that 1 thing.
That 1 thing that would bring him into OUR world.
Peacefully, calmly, without cussing, hateful words, destroying papers,desks,etc.

We KEEP TRYING!
THAT'S WHAT WE DO!

Now...
MY school support is AMAZING.
Admin, psychologist, staff, etc, etc, etc...
GOT MY BACK!

BUT..
things take TIME.
I am trying to survive TOMORROW!
I don't have TIME!

I have IST'd...RTI'd...Behavior planned myself to pieces!
I have MORE DATA than LESSONS!

Nothing.
NADA.
NOPE.

And so...
I forgot the MOST important thing about teaching.

The OTHER students!
They have hung in there with me.

They hug me when I am EMOTIONALLY drained!

They write me LOVE notes
and KINDNESS cards!

And ...they are learning!
He has NOT hurt them!
Their scores are climbing!

So...I am letting go.
I am letting go of the realization
that ALL kids can learn.

He will learn.
He will get help.
He is  a survivor.

It may be this year.
It may be next year.

Mental illness DOES start young.
I have SEEN it.
I have LIVED it.
I am a survivor.

And so. 

I WILL NOT  QUIT!

I LOVE  my job!
I am doing lesson plans.
We have Valentine's to make, Chinese New Year, the President's....
We have reading groups where we talk, and giggle together!
We have math where we GOT THIS!

And so...

I think we will PAINT! 
( Always makes ME happy!)
 :)

Thanks for the "vent "!

Happy 3 day weekend!

As MLK says...

"I HAVE A DREAM!"




4 comments:

  1. Been there for sure.. praying for your strength to get through this year..

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  2. Remember to incorporate some selfcare and keeping you in my heart for happy moments in teaching

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  3. I am a first year teacher at a school that sounds VERY similar to yours and when reading this, it was like I was reading about my classroom and my "time bomb" student. It has been a day by day struggle to survive with my sanity, but it helps to hear that someone else is going through this (with even more experience than me). I think we'll try paint tomorrow too haha

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    Replies
    1. Meredith...DO NOT QUIT! Think of the OTHER students who NEED YOU! You are a HUGE difference in the lives of SOOOOOO many kids! That ONE will go...the others will stay in your heart..FOREVER! Hang in there! Keep in touch! Wendy 1stgradefireworks

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