I ALMOST QUIT!!!!
What a WEEK!
For those of you who don't know me,
I teach first grade at a low socioeconomic,
high gang neighborhood,
TITLE 1 ( low performing ),
and VERY NEEDY FAMLIES!
I have been at this school for 16 years.
All in grade 1.
I LOVE my school.
I LOVE my job!
I just can't let go of some things.
I work with kids from the VERY best..
( I have had a student who got a
FULL RIDE SCHOLARSHIP to HARVARD!)
She was amazing in grade 1...and amazing when I watched her graduate from high school.
I have taught kids who have been "lost" in the gang world
and I have never heard FROM or ABOUT them again.
One of my "lost souls" is now a paraprofessional at our school!
Proud teacher here...he turned it around & is MAKING IT!
So my problem isn't the CLASSROOM part.
I just can't quit trying.
I can't leave my emotions at the door.
And it is making me ILL.
I have a student who is destructive.
He is a time-bomb waiting to explode.
Mean, angry child.
Parent refuses to get help for him.
Easier to "look away".
And now...he is trying to destroy my classroom,
my students, and me.
I let him get to me.
I let him question myself.
What am I doing wrong?
Why can't I help him?
Where did I mess up?
Maybe I don't "have it" anymore.....
Maybe it's time to find something else....
I LET HIM GET INTO MY HEAD!!!!
I wasn't sleeping...
I kept trying to CHANGE things
( classroom set up, behavior plans, groupings, schedules, etc..etc...etc..)
and my other "littles" were suffering.
I knew it.
But I kept "trying" to find that 1 thing.
That 1 thing that would bring him into OUR world.
Peacefully, calmly, without cussing, hateful words, destroying papers,desks,etc.
We KEEP TRYING!
THAT'S WHAT WE DO!
MY school support is AMAZING.
Admin, psychologist, staff, etc, etc, etc...
GOT MY BACK!
things take TIME.
I am trying to survive TOMORROW!
I don't have TIME!
I have IST'd...RTI'd...Behavior planned myself to pieces!
I have MORE DATA than LESSONS!
I forgot the MOST important thing about teaching.
The OTHER students!
They have hung in there with me.
They hug me when I am EMOTIONALLY drained!
They write me LOVE notes
and KINDNESS cards!
And ...they are learning!
He has NOT hurt them!
Their scores are climbing!
So...I am letting go.
I am letting go of the realization
that ALL kids can learn.
He will learn.
He will get help.
He is a survivor.
It may be this year.
It may be next year.
Mental illness DOES start young.
I have SEEN it.
I have LIVED it.
I am a survivor.
I WILL NOT QUIT!
I LOVE my job!
I am doing lesson plans.
We have Valentine's to make, Chinese New Year, the President's....
We have reading groups where we talk, and giggle together!
We have math where we GOT THIS!
I think we will PAINT!
( Always makes ME happy!)
Thanks for the "vent "!
Happy 3 day weekend!
As MLK says...
"I HAVE A DREAM!"